The Death of the Sultan Satire

The Sultan Satire, the faux news blog that surprised Sultan residents by poking fun at the little things we were all using the Sultan Facebook page to complain about, passed away last night.

Its family announced its death Saturday. No cause was given, but those close to The Sultan Satire believe it was struck by a rogue ice cream truck shortly after 8:30 p.m.

Known for its exclusive interview with local crime boss Heavy C, stories about dam sirens, a mom taking her kids on the risky trails of Osprey Park, people with backpacks and families on bicycles, The Sultan Satire burst onto the scene in early July causing controversy and confusion (SEE: High Ave story) with its “is it real or is it fake?” articles.

“We just read all the negativity on the Facebook page and realized people need to relax and actually enjoy where they are living. We just wanted to have fun, and I think in the long run we did just that, and slowed down the negativity a bit. Life’s too short, have fun because you’ll never know when an ice cream truck will bulldoze down your street and take you out like Tony Stewart … too soon?” The Sultan Satire said before being struck by the ice cream truck on Rocky Road.

The Sultan Satire was surprised by the excitement and loyalty that readers found with its writing. Sadly, The Sultan Satire leaves behind 180 “friends” on Facebook, and 5,550-plus views on the blog.

The Sultan Satire was written by Kevin Johnson. Kevin is a father of three, wife of one, the co-creator of the Johnson 5, a former business owner in the City of Sultan, Chamber of Commerce board member and President of the Chamber of Commerce. Kevin also organized and hosted the rebirth of the Sultan Tree Lighting Festival, emceed the lip sync contest, won two of the last three lip sync contests, was a member of Early Words Toastmasters, coached for Sultan Youth Basketball, editor of the 2012-13 SES PTO newsletter, helped emcee events at this year’s Sultan Shindig, walked to work with his backpack on, traveled Osprey Park with his family, rode his bike with his family thru town and even on Highway 2, even had a family photo shoot across the river (you know where the former encampments were). Kevin and his family have decided to relocate to the other side of the mountains, where he hopes to over commit himself to his new community. If you enjoyed Kevin’s writing (or to read his “Goodbye Sky Valley” letter) please follow his blog titled “Lisy’s Battle with Leukemia: Life After Cancer – and with Three Kids!”. Thank you all for reading; it was a lot of fun! If only I could’ve made a living out of it! 😉  

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Exclusive: Sultan Satire Sits Down with the Infamous Heavy C!

SULTAN, WA — For months one name continuously popped up on the Sultan Facebook page.

If a bike was stolen, his name was referenced. If drugs were being dealt, his name was the first mentioned. If someone smelled something funny, he usually was to blame as well.

Lately we’ve heard his name fewer and fewer times, which made us at the Sultan Satire ask, “Where in the world is Heavy C?”

EDITOR’s NOTE: This “interview” and most of the story was conducted before we found out Heavy C was on his way to Everett via transportation courtesy of the Snohomish County Sheriff.

Yes, Heavy C, the notorious crime lord of Sultan who sends out his minions via bicycle, and usually in the middle of the night, to deliver drugs, steal loose change from the center console of your unlocked cars, and just wreak havoc in the minds of citizens throughout our sleepy town.

We at the Sultan Satire were fascinated by this famous, but to us, mythical being called Heavy C, that we not only wanted to meet him, but sit down with him to find out why he does what he does, and what he thinks about all the chatter on the social media page about him.

How did we get this interview?

Pretty simple. We used the My Cousin Vinny method of wrapping a $20 bill around a few $1s and then put a note inside that asked if we could do an interview with him. Turns out Heavy C is a huge Ralph Macchio fan, and quickly corresponded back to us by sending a 9-year-old to break into our car and leave a note on our dashboard.

Even though the Facebook page loves to throw out pictures of his front lawn and directions to and from his house, we were required to wear a blindfold, so as to not know the whereabouts of his secret lair.

We met at Osprey Park and were greeted by two, short and stout boys, both with awkward under bites and unusually large hands. Both also sported two – yes two – backpacks. As we know from Facebook posts, if you wear two backpacks you must be homeless or a drug dealer, so we figured they were with Heavy C. They blindfolded me and my photographer and we gently rode on the handlebars of each kid’s bike.

The Gamorrean brothers walked us down the hallway of Heavy C’s palace, when we were met by a tall, slender women with long braided hair that wrapped from one shoulder to the next. She was wearing a bib, and called herself Fortuna, possibly after the Greek goddess of luck, though she looked very unlucky, with a long, blue robe and blue gloves that covered everything but the tips of her fingers.

When I first saw Heavy C he was laying flat on his couch, much like the Cheshire Cat sitting on the bough of a tree, legs dangling off to one side. He looked to be smoking a hookah, with a “Game Day Bucket” from KFC in between his abnormally short arms.DisneyCheshireCat

He was large, fitting for the nickname Heavy, had a deep laugh, liked licking around his lips, and drooled quite a bit. By his side was a little snippy dog, with long pointy ears, that yapped every time Heavy C laughed.

Throughout the interview he remained on the couch, while we sat on stools, the floor feeling unstable, as if it could fall at any given time and we’d be trapped underneath his lair with some huge, man-eating dog.

SULTAN SATIRE (SS): We want to thank you for allowing us the exclusivity of having this interview with you.

HEAVY C (HC) (biting off a chunk of chicken wing, as if it were frog legs): You’re welcome.

SS: How’s the chicken?

HC: Greasy.

SS: I don’t want to waste your time so let’s get started. You seem to have a bad wrap around town, do you think that’s warranted?

HC: Listen, if you came here to talk about warrants then I’m going to need you to leave.

SS: No, no. Warranted, like do you deserve to be called names, to have people driving by your house taking pictures, to have people snap photos of you while you ride your bike around town?

HC: Oh, is that what they’re doing? Phones these days are weird, and the way everyone is lifting them up to take these “selfies” I’m never sure if they are snapping photos of me and my house, or themselves.

SS: It’s you.

HC: Oh. Well as long as they like what they see.

SS: Most say you’re doing things like stealing bicycles, dealing drugs, and sending out kids to prowl cars late at night.

HC: I don’t know what you’re saying, but on the record, I bring in more business in this town than everybody but that friggin’ bakery. Seriously, the amount of stolen materials we bring in and out on a daily basis, it’s crazy the numbers we are doing. Plus, ain’t nobody create more job opportunities for kids 9-14 in this town than me. I teach them responsibility. I teach them about loyalty. And I teach them about ditching your bicycle and running the other way as fast as you can, and that if you snitch on me, you’ll be found floating head down in the river. Cause of death: not wearing a life jacket.

SS: Don’t you think you’re sending these kids down the wrong path?

HC: Don’t you think their parents already did? If they are visiting with me than Daddy didn’t give attention and Mommy didn’t care.

SS: Isn’t that from Pearl Jam’s “Jeremy“?

HC: Probably. I usually like quoting songs from their album Ten. Try this, sometimes these kids are like thoughts arriving like butterflies, but we chase them away. Someday, they’ll begin their life again.

SS: Hmm…

HC: Give up?

SS: Not my genre of music. I was more into the ’90s R&B than the grunge stuff. I only know “Alive” and … let’s go with “Even Flow.”

HC: You got it. “Even Flow.” And I should kick your ass for listening to that sappy shit.

SS: What, the girls like that. How often did you get laid in high school?

HC: You’re a reporter, how often did you?

SS: Touche.

Heavy C was interrupted, but we did overhear him talking to someone he referred to later as Bob Ahfett.

HC (overheard): He’s my kind of scum, fearless and inventive. I’ll offer him a sum of $35.

HC (turning to us): Where were we?

SS: Do you keep up with the stuff on the Facebook page?

HC: Not sure what a Facebook page is.

SS: Do you have a Facebook?

HC: Just because you’re some sort of wannabe writer doesn’t mean you have to get all high-tech with me. You’re going to have to start speaking English or this chat is going to end.

SS: Facebook. It’s a social media site where you can see what your friends are up to, like or comment on what they are doing, stay in touch with them all via your cell phone or computer.

HC: Why wouldn’t I just do that in person?

SS: Well you could but …

HC: Why couldn’t I just tell them to their face that I liked what they had for lunch, enjoy watching their kids play in their backyard, or disagree with their political views?

SS: You could but …

HC: Sounds like it could cause a lot of drama. Like what if I didn’t like their posts, or what if I really didn’t know them too well and didn’t want to be friends with them then what? All of a sudden I’m getting hated on because, “Why don’t you like pictures of my kids anymore?” or “Why did you ignore my request to be friends?” Now I have people I know, and don’t know, that are pissed at me because I don’t find the pictures of them at a restaurant entertaining enough to click a thumb up button. What’s wrong with having just 10-15 really good friends that you can share everything with face-to-face? You and those 15 people know you’re having a fun time, nobody else needs to know or needs to like the fact that they know I’m having a good time.

SS: I guess but …

HC: Facebook? What a silly name, more like Ruin-Relationships-Digitally-Book.

SS: Good one. Anyway, so these people on the Facebook page are constantly talking about you, calling you names, how does that make you feel?

HC: Let’s go back to the 10-15 good friends thing. If it’s one of my 10-15 good friends, I’m a bit bothered. If it’s … how many?

SS: I’d say close to 100.

HC: S**t! These people don’t know me personally. How often are they posting? Like once a week or what?

SS: Um, pretty much every day, every couple of minutes.

HC: Okay, so while I’m busting my @$$, stealing their s**t, these people are busy sitting on their butts typing about what I could or could not be doing? Tell me what’s wrong with this. I’m working for my money. I may be stealing their stuff, but they are stealing either their own time, their kid’s time, or their bosses time by attempting to keep all up in my business.

SS: To be honest with you they’ve kind of made you a legend in this town. Like those outlaws we all root for in the Western flicks.

HC: Like Emilio in Young Guns?

SS: Something like that.

HC: You know the world needs bad guys. From worldly bad guys like Satan Hussein, or Obama Bin Laden to local bad guys like myself. If we didn’t have bad guys we’d all be bored, or creating bad guys via that Facebook thing you were talking about.

SS: Do you think you’ll ever stop what you’re doing?

HC: I don’t think so. I’m a thirtysomething “crime lord” in a town of 4,000 that has built me up via some wacky website to be some type of Don Corleone, except instead of using classic cars and Tommy guns we’re using BMXs and backpacks. Plus, it’s a block to the river, and you really can’t pass up the view of the Cascades.

SS: Are you afraid of getting caught?

HC: We live in a world where a football player beats his wife, drags her unconscious body out of the elevator and gets two days of suspension. Meanwhile, another player smokes pot and gets a year suspension. That’s the way we roll in America.

Have you ever been arrested here? Not just in Sultan but in this country? Our judicial system is so backwards that the wrong people are constantly getting convicted and the people who should be convicted know the right people to get them out of trouble within days. If I’m ever arrested I’ll be out either via bail or because they don’t want to shove a dude that steals the occasional BMX into an overcrowded cell with a dude that likes touching little kids.

Some dude, not associated with my group of people, which reminds me, check out the people in the trailers behind that old trailer repair shop right on Highway 2, right before the coffee stand, you want messed up people who need to be either in jail, in treatment, or in the ground, go back there. Anyway, this dude robs the pharmacy over there and gets two lousy days in jail. I’m stealing bicycles and loose change. If anyone deserves to be spending nights in jail, it’s the dude stealing prescription drugs.

SS: Don’t you feel bad for what you’re doing?

HC: Lock your doors. We ain’t breaking windows, we’re checking for loose change, sunglasses and rewritable CDs.

SS: The City and its citizens have done a lot in the last few months to slow you and your gang down, does that bother you?

HC: Of course, on the inside I’m kind of rooting for this town because I grew up here. On the outside … f-them. I need to make my living.

SS: But what about drugs. Drugs are bad and selling or dealing via kids is not good either.

HC: I never mentioned drugs, and won’t. Plus, I still put the blame on Marilyn Manson and Eminem.

SS: Well, thank you for your time.

HC: No problem. Next time you’re out I’ll take you on a ride on my barge. I call her the Khetanna.

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Dam Sirens Cause Dam Panic!

SULTAN, WA — Cell towers? Aliens? Giant marshmallows on a giant stick? Totem poles? Mentos? Nope, it’s just the newest emergency notification sirens going up around the already bustling town of Sultan.IMAG2560

But why now? What happened? What does the government know that we don’t? Is this why helicopters were circling town? Were they running training drills in which choppers pick up all the dignitaries and leave the rest of us common folk behind? Is this why the Mayor is running for County Executive, so she can leave town before it’s too late? Is this why Big Dog’s, the gun shop, and that insurance office that had poor signage next to the gun shop, are leaving town? Why?

These are all questions that conspirators are asking after Tuesday’s alarms caused people to creep out of their homes and head for Love’s Hill as if The Flood was coming.

“They’ve been telling us for years about how safe the dam is, about how it will never break, about how safe we all are down in the valley. Then all of a sudden three more towers pop up, and helicopters surround our town, and sirens are blaring. The Flood is coming! It’s coming soon! And I’ll be the only one prepared,” longtime resident Noah Emzara said, showing us a rather large wooden boat he’s been making in his backyard for years.

The Culmback Dam holds a lot of water, and if it were to bust, would bury the town of Sultan two-stories deep in mud, water, trees and homeless people. That would suck! Sources not that close to us tell us that we’d have anywhere between 20-30 minutes to pack up our belongings and leave town. You think traffic is bad on a Memorial Day weekend, imagine everyone trying to leave town because The Flood is coming.

Tuesday’s sirens caused out-of-work residents to grab their Alumaweld, oars and dogs.

“Me and Fido were waiting for the dam water come rushing towards us,” Marilyn Shem said, waiting.

Meanwhile citiz…

EDITOR’s NOTE: We were unable to finish this story because of the chopper came to pick us up. Turns out we earned a dignitary card. Good luck fleeing.

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Dear Delilah: Letters and/or Concerns from Readers

Welcome to our newest feature called “Dear Delilah” where you, the readers (or haters), ask our front desk person, Delilah, questions about concerns you have with what we’re writing, or what’s going on in the community.

Call it The Sultan Satire‘s Dear Abby.

We’ve had a few “letters” or concerns this week. These have come from comments on our website, comments on the infamous Sultan social media page, private messages on our Facebook, or emails sent to sultansatire@gmail.com.

Do you have something you want us to address or complain about? Send them to us via email, Facebook at www.facebook.com/sultansatire or comment below!

All names will be distorted so to attempt to keep the privacy of the writer or complainer.

Dear Delilah,

Is Sultan Satire your real name? Are you a boy or a girl?

Signed,
Possible Stalker

Dear Possible Stalker,

Um … sure, Sultan Satire is our real name. What an odd coincidence eh? And are we a boy or a girl. In the words of the late Brittany Murphy, from her character in Don’t Say a Word, “I’ll never tell.” Well, we might but not yet, this is too fun!

Dear Delilah,

I was outside weeding when I had two different people walk by, smile and say, “Hi!” to me as they walked by. What am I to make of this?

Cordially,
A Lover of Small Towns

Thank you A Lover of Small Towns,

What you experienced was something that is going on in small towns all over, all the time, and for a long, long time. People that know each other, people who like each other, people who are willing to have interpersonal (and real) relationships with their neighbors, people who know when you smile and say ‘Hello’ to someone you’re going to brighten up that person’s day in an instant. We have that here in Sultan, unfortunately, times are crazy and it’s easy to be negative, but hopefully your day was made better by these two walker-bys that smiled at you as you pulled weeds.

Dear Delilah,

My mom won’t let me wear shorts out in public, even though it’s 80-degrees out. She says they are too short. That my butt cheeks are sticking out. That something called my labia can poke through the bottom of my shorts. That people stare. Especially men in their mid-to-late 50s. I don’t understand. I mean I’m 15, this is my body, I should wear what I want to wear! It sucks so bad that I’ve had to put sweat pants over the shorts and then when I’m together with my friends we strip off our shorts. Why doesn’t she understand?

Troubled Teen,
Daisy Duke

Dear Daisy Duke,

I understand your … no I don’t. You’re 15! Even if you were 18 or 25, what makes you untitledthink that people want to look at your butt cheeks? Okay, okay, so most dudes will probably sneak a peek or two just to see that extra layer of cheeks hanging out, but then they’ll realize, “If this was my daughter…” Listen to your mom, because years from now you’ll probably be in her place wondering why your daughter only wants to wear pasties over her nipples. And what’s with covering just the nipples? Is that really the thing that arouses men? The areola? I’m sorry, for me it’s the fullness of the breast, not the darkened skin around the … nevermind. Check that, start attending some of the church youth groups in town. Get yourself clean before it’s too late. Oh, and don’t do drugs, and don’t listen to rap music. 😉

Dear High Avenue Haters,

Comment 1: It’s called high ave because the middle school use to be the high school.

Comment 2: The high school use to be on that street that is where the name came from and only minds apparently like yours think it is for getting high, or drugs or what not, but for people whohave been here all their lifes dont think twice of the name of the street leave well enough alone.

Comment 3: I think their all ” HIGH ” all I have to do is drive through Sultan and I think drugs druggies and drug use ! Its been High St forever lets leave well enough alone

Signed,
Three Different People That Didn’t Understand the “Joke”

Dear Trio of Readers,

First off, THANK YOU! for reading our blog and then commenting! We love to hear from our readers, whether it be good or bad. 

Second, it’s our experience to wait and send comments from an actual keyboard rather than your phone. Your spelling and grammar are often corrected for you. Now, I know my punctuation, grammar, and my homonyms are not always correct. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m very self-conscious of what I write (I just Google’d ‘self-conscious’ to make sure I was using it correctly, and had spelled it correctly). However, if I was a teacher all three comments would have no less than two red marks through them. And if this is a reflection of what was taught at the high school when it was on High Avenue, then I have to wonder, maybe you all were high while attending high school on High Avenue. Hmm? Please see the video below for help with future writings.

Third, this site is a joke. A way for people to realize that things might not be that bad in our little town, it’s just that we’re a little town and we tend to know everyone and everything that goes on all the time.

We’ve also been hard up on story ideas lately because there is less random, nonsense, negativity on the social media page. (We’d like to think we helped that a bit.) So when we cruised down Fourth Street and realize all the names are trees, except High Avenue, then we make a joke about it.

Fangorn_by_thalion_artThe ENTS in our story are actually the race of beings that resemble walking, and talking trees from The Lord of the Rings. The name J.R. Fangorn from our story is a mix of J.R.R. Tolkien, author of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, and Fangorn, the main Ent in the book.

We also mentioned David Wooderson and his buddy Ron Slater. You might remember Wooderson and Slater from Richard Linklater’s 1993 film Dazed and Confused. Wooderson was played by Academy Award-winning actor Matthew McConaughey, who delivered the following famous line from Dazed and Confused:

If you haven’t noticed already we like to throw in nonsense like that, as it makes our writing more challenging, yet more fun (SEE: Osprey Park story and its relation to The Wizard of Oz).

Thank you all for reading, commenting and messaging us! Check out the video below for proper grammar tips from “Weird Al” Yankovic.

Enjoy the rest of your summer Sultan!

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Citizens Surprised, Library Has Resources Not Just Public Restroom

SULTAN, WA — Evelyn Carnahan loves her job.

What Carnahan doesn’t like is the perception her job and her place of work receives from citizens in our small town.

So Carnahan did something about it.

Our local librarian took to the streets with a sandwich board over her body, letting citizens know about the resources the local library offers. librarian

The front of her sandwich board listed events for children of all ages, like LEGO clubs, WII gaming, preschool storytime and family trivia nights. On the back, events for adults were listed, including writing groups and meet-and-greet by local writers.

“We were surprised at how much the library had to offer,” Rachel O’Connell said.

“Yes, we were always afraid to walk in here because of the groups of kids hanging out on both sides of the buildings. But once Ms. Carnahan walked us inside we found a nice, neat and clean place to hang out,” Rachel’s husband Rick O’Connell stated.

“We had a great time doing the 60-Second Challenge as a family,” Rachel said, referring to the “Minute to Win It” creative thinking game the library puts on.

The O’Connell’s were one of a number of families that were made aware of the programs the library offered, thanks to Carnahan’s shenanigans.

“We always thought of the library as being a public restroom for the undesirables. But we were surprised. Once you break through the riff-raff at the front gate, you’ll find a nice, inviting place to take your family. Plus Ms. Carnahan is kind of cute for a librarian. What?! She looks like that lady from The Bourne Legacy,” Rick O’Connell said.

“I love the library! I rent all my DVDs from there!” David V. Donaldson jumped in to say.

Ms. Carnahan hopes to do a mummy presentation, gardening workshop and a reading of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz in the upcoming months.

5100170fa9e5b.imageIn the meantime her goal is to continue letting the community know about what the library offers, even if it means standing outside with a sandwich board on.

“What’s not to like about your local library? Free Wi-Fi, you can use the library computers to access the Internet, a place to sit down and do your homework, work in quiet, tons of options for both books and movie rentals,” Carnahan said.

“Did I mention she’s cute? She’s not your stereotypical, angry, elderly, Dewey Decimal system librarian,” Rick O’Connell added.

“Look, I… I may not be an explorer, or an adventurer, or a treasure-seeker, or a gunfighter, Mr. O’Connell, but I am proud of what I am. I… am a librarian,” Carnahan said.

And the best darn librarian around.

No word on Mr. O’Connell’s status, but we imagine he slept on the couch last night.

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